My son asked me to explain about office politics when I was writing a book on it.
They do that out of the mixture of love and maltreatment that all of us experience. Which brings us to identification, in which the child makes the parent’s behaviour or injunctions part of themselves.
That depends on our family dynamics – perhaps my son will follow me my daughter her mother. My driving is shamefully disobedient of traffic regulations (learned from my father’s example) – perhaps my children will model that or perhaps they will copy my wife’s conscientiously lawful approach. I can teach my son his times tables but, equally, if I am a pickpocket by profession, show him how to do that.
Think of yourself as a character in a movie and ask, what’s my backstory?Īt the simplest level, performance is nurtured through teaching – for good or ill. Each person’s unique history, starting before birth, sets them on particular paths, explaining why siblings differ. I would go so far as to say that, had I been swapped at conception with one of my sisters, she would be writing these words. He gave no such encouragement to my sisters in their academic careers (fortunately, my mum did). Despite my repeated failure at school, he constantly encouraged me to see myself as clever and I eventually did OK. In my case, for instance, purely because I was the only boy with three sisters, I was treated completely differently by my father.
The latest evidence suggests that genes play little part – see box below – and that nurture is critical, whether it be carrot or stick. W here does the drive to succeed come from? And if it results in exceptional achievement (as defined by external norms such as power, status and wealth) does that have to go hand in hand with being a troubled, agonised person?